So i’m not married, not engaged.  not…. anything,  and qite possibly, a lesbian.  god, i love women. i… can take or leave men.  identity crisis? you bet your baked beans on it.

on top of this interesting conundrum, i live with my boyfriend R.  when we met there was thi amazing connection, the kind you’re liably to read about in a 15-year-old’s blog.  oh yeah- and i’m only 20 (and 20 and 3/4th’s, but who’s counting…).  So I guess i have to wonder if that connect was just… a lonely 19 year olds emblazoned idea of love or what it should be plasted on to a 33 year old man.  i don’t know.  but i do know that it’s definatly not that way anymore, and things are gettiong rough.  lpsu, i hate sex.  and, oh yeah, R loves it.

we fight constantly.  about what’s for dinner.  about who lost the damn remote.  about who’s getting up with A in the morning (more about A later).  we fight about ecverything, down to what did that look you shot me really imply or what color the sky really was. it’s… no more fun. wat i want isn’t what he’s willing to give, and what he want’s taxes me emotionally (so much so i take luxapro- for serious depression), physically (comon, anyone who’s pretended the sex was good for a night knows how exhausting that is, and let’s be honest, i’m pretty much always pretending), and mentally (R is a genius, MESA member style, and if I don’t want to be considered ’stupid’… okay well, i am compared to him.  and that’sa  huge admission to make).

so… what am i doing here? or rather, how do i love R, let me count the ways…

  • one, for the way that we move together, tandmem birds sweeping through the night
  • two, for the way you understand and aprreciate my need for small comforts, and provide them
  • three, for the way you let me dote on pigpig, even though yiuo hate rodents
  • four, for the way i know that in the ways i won’t care for myself, you care for me
  • five, for the ways you show me you love me, and yes, i believe you, i know you love me
  • six, for the way you tuck me in
  • seven, for the way you cook me dinner
  • eight, for the way you know when i just need silence
  • nine, for the way that you know me so well, inside and out, i fear ever being able to find someone who could ever understand me so compleatly, so wholy.

then of course, there’s the reason i can’t ever ignore.  your son, A.  the way you are with him.  the way he is always #1. the relationship you’ve built with him, the fact that you would do anything to help him, anything at all.  and the way you’ve let me become a part of it all.

Amen.  Yes, and thank you, Lord.