on top of this interesting conundrum, i live with my boyfriend R.  when we met there was thi amazing connection, the kind you’re liably to read about in a 15-year-old’s blog.  oh yeah- and i’m only 20 (and 20 and 3/4th’s, but who’s counting…).  So I guess i have to wonder if that connect was just… a lonely 19 year olds emblazoned idea of love or what it should be plasted on to a 33 year old man.  i don’t know.  but i do know that it’s definatly not that way anymore, and things are gettiong rough.  lpsu, i hate sex.  and, oh yeah, R loves it.

we fight constantly.  about what’s for dinner.  about who lost the damn remote.  about who’s getting up with A in the morning (more about A later).  we fight about ecverything, down to what did that look you shot me really imply or what color the sky really was. it’s… no more fun. wat i want isn’t what he’s willing to give, and what he want’s taxes me emotionally (so much so i take luxapro- for serious depression), physically (comon, anyone who’s pretended the sex was good for a night knows how exhausting that is, and let’s be honest, i’m pretty much always pretending), and mentally (R is a genius, MESA member style, and if I don’t want to be considered ‘stupid’… okay well, i am compared to him.  and that’sa  huge admission to make).

so… what am i doing here? or rather, how do i love R, let me count the ways…

• one, for the way that we move together, tandmem birds sweeping through the night
• two, for the way you understand and aprreciate my need for small comforts, and provide them
• three, for the way you let me dote on pigpig, even though yiuo hate rodents
• four, for the way i know that in the ways i won’t care for myself, you care for me
• five, for the ways you show me you love me, and yes, i believe you, i know you love me
• six, for the way you tuck me in
• seven, for the way you cook me dinner
• eight, for the way you know when i just need silence
• nine, for the way that you know me so well, inside and out, i fear ever being able to find someone who could ever understand me so compleatly, so wholy.

then of course, there’s the reason i can’t ever ignore.  your son, A.  the way you are with him.  the way he is always #1. the relationship you’ve built with him, the fact that you would do anything to help him, anything at all.  and the way you’ve let me become a part of it all.

Amen.  Yes, and thank you, Lord.

i listen to Canadian radio.  weirdo, i know. and they had this guy on, takling about his book, as per above.

according to the dr, people speak in different “languages” which is why we have a hard time loving eachother once we’re past the ‘honeymoon’ phase.  the five languages that people can speak are:

(quoted from www.about.com’s article on the book)

Words of Affirmation
This is when you say how nice your spouse looks, or how great the dinner tasted. These words will also build your mate’s self image and confidence.

Quality Time
Some spouses believe that being together, doing things together and focusing in on one another is the best way to show love. If this is your partner’s love language, turn off the TV now and then and give one another some undivided attention.

Gifts
It is universal in human cultures to give gifts. They don’t have to be expensive to send a powerful message of love. Spouses who forget a birthday or anniversary or who never give gifts to someone who truly enjoys gift giving will find themselves with a spouse who feels neglected and unloved.

Acts of Service
Discovering how you can best do something for your spouse will require time and creativity. These acts of service like vacuuming, hanging a bird feeder, planting a garden, etc., need to be done with joy in order to be perceived as a gift of love.

Physical Touch
Sometimes just stroking your spouse’s back, holding hands, or a peck on the cheek will fulfill this need.

 so apparently, the language we speak is how we express love for others, and also what we crave in order to make us feel loves.  the dr was saying on his show that there are two main ways to identify what people are speaking 1) what they compain about (e.g. i hate how you never give me undivided attention when i’m talking to you…), and 2) what they say they request (e.g. i really wish we’d go on more walks together).   interesting, and food for thought this v-day.

i’m a quality timer.  i need more time with just the two of us, R.  i miss you, in a spiritual, connecting way.  i feel like we’re just functioining.  i’m not sure this can ever work for me this way.  i know that you need touch.  i know i haven’t given that to you.  i’m going to try.

werll typist, who are you? are you and your partner speaking the same language? do you know what language your partner speaks?

you see, i’m pretty much one of those “girl next-door” types.  not sexy really, not slutty.  and R loves slutty, but i’m uncomfortable with that.  so i thought, hell, why not, i’m going to go all out slutty, since i don’t really do that.  so out i went.  i shopped all over.  bought the stripper heels, the tight black slink dress with the holes all down the sides.  huge holed fishnets. fake lashes.  even a stripper wig in this hot red and black.  oh yeah, slutty.

 then, i rented myself the cheap motel room (bring your own sheets people)/  as frustrated as i am sexualy, then doesn’t excuse not trying to make an effort for the v-day right?  so i do it all.  it takes time, and money.  and… it’s out of my comfort zone.

so last night on the way home from A’s swimming lesson we stop at the Big K on the corner.  i can’t go in because “A needs to pick out smoething for you from valentines.”  we go home, A giv es m a box of chocolates and a card.  awww, cute.  gotta love 6 year olds.

R suddenly rememebers he has finals do Valentine’s night and the day after. R: “mind if we celebrate next week instead, dear?”  Me: (no… i guess not… okay i do but i’m not saying….”) “No, it’s fine” R: “okay, but you have to tell me what you got… i can’t wait” Me: “Okay,,,blahblahblah, now you have to give me mine.”

Here’s where the problem is.  he goes into the bedroom.  there’s rusteling.  he comes out. somethings behind his back.  he hands me a bright green stuffed frog. 

R:  “happy valentine’s day honey.”

(okay, so… it’s cute.  that’s it?  at least it’s something.  he thought of me, that’s the important part…) to be honest, if it had ended here i might have been okay.  but no.  he reaches is his pocket and pulls out a jewerly box.  (oooh!  sparklies!!!)

R: “hope you like it.”  he opens the box.

guess what?  last ngiht he bought me my valentine’s day present.  at k-mart.  10k gold earings like you’d buy a 10 year old cause they can’t be trusted with more. so flimsy i could bend it with my pinky.  a last minute, thoughtless gift.  i can’t even wear earings, i never have been able to.  myears get all pussy and crusty. yummm.

so yeah, i lost it.  big time. kmart last minute earings. making a fantsay come true. 

you do the math.

happy valentine’s day all- we’re staying in. (and i’m wondering why i stay at all)

yours truely,

-L

let me explain something to you, typist.  i hate sex. oh ye, i hate it.  it’s like a fucking play i have to put on.  don’t tell me i just need the right partner, i’ve been with enough people.  i just don’t… lust… sex feels like someone rubbing your back, i can take it or leave it.  i hate sex, and i have never lusted for it.

plus… there’s the whole am i a lesbian thing, and if so, what do i do about my belief in god?

shit if i know.  but women are… so much more beautiful then men.  so… sexy.  and emtionally, well let’s just say we’re in a whole other sphere.  does that make me gay?  i don’t know, but i think i could be happier with a woman.  but who knows.  and i could never leave A and R.  …but i think about it.  fuck.

1. my name is L
2. i am 20, born 9/20/85
3. i am dating a 35 year old man, R 
4. R has a son, A, to whom i act as a stand-in mother to
5. i am miserable, and can’t change the reasons why
6. my depression meds aren’t working
7. i am miserable.
8. oh yeah, and i want a puppy

and now, pulled from my spoiling brain, things i don’t know—->

1. i don’t know how to change my life
2. i don’t know my sexuality
3. i don’t know how to b happy anymore
4. i don’t know who i am anymore

 more another time.

yours truely,

-L